you know that moment when you are left speechless? because there’s nothing left to say, because everything’s already been said, and there’s nothing left to do, because there isn’t anything to be done that would make a difference anyway. that moment when you just kind of stand there, a blank expression on your face, and you just…be.
k and i have been talking every single day since she first texted me. the girl has grown. the other day, she said something so understated and yet so profound. “if you’re still writing about the person, then you’re not over that person” she said. i don’t talk about x as much as i used to. this is another observation from another friend of mine, but i still write about her. and i think about her, everyday still. and yet i know im over x. completely. utterly. sometimes, it’s almost like it was just a dream and now im awake. it’s nothing more than a vague recollection of something that may or may not have happened. something i may not be sure about but i am, because otherwise, i wouldn’t have these reflections. i wouldn’t be where i am now, if not for those five years with x.
in one of our last conversations, x told me how i made her question God and herself. she told me how i drove her over the edge and how she almost died on numerous occasions because of me. and i sat there, with the phone to my ear, feeling so horribly about myself because…how could anybody cause another person to self-destruct like that? clearly, i was the evil incarnate.
six months ago, i set on the same path. the self-destructive path. no, i didn’t almost die and i didn’t hate on God. or x, for that matter. but i hated myself. for not fighting for x; for not trying hard enough to win her back; for telling her to leave in the first place. but i only self-destruct for a brief period and then i recuperate and heal myself. but it became a long stretch, because each time i felt myself bouncing back, x would reach out from her so-called relationship at that time and i fell right back on square one. by the time her so-called relationship dissipated into shards of pathetic little pieces, i have progressed from the first stage of grief to the third and then the fifth and then, back again to third.
in the end, i still would not be with x. and in the end, i was still the bad guy. i was reading our last texts yesterday. i had one that said, “im sorry i am the way i am.” that was only a month ago. x has told me over and over again, that she shouldn’t have to apologize for who she is. and looking back, i gag. because neither should i.
x was, and still is, by far, the best person i know or have ever known. the kindest, most generous, loving soul i’ll probably ever meet. but i have learned from her everything i need to learn from her. and for the most part, she’s also drained everything she can from me. i appreciate all that she has been to me and i will forever hold her high up on a pedestal amongst my numerous stars; but she has ceased to be my moon and if that means i also must be plucked from her skies, then so be it.
it’s february. and this is the last time im writing about x.
