Fiery Red Days

daredevil

hannah — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 04:18:35 +0000

it’s a guilt-trip,
like frozen cranberry
mixed in with vodka and maybe some rum,
on an empty stomach,
on an empty heart,
on a hazy head and swollen lips.
swollen from kissing–
bruised and bleeding,
it’s a dream where all dreams meet
it’s a world where all earth ends.
pray, yes, pray…
on bent knees and shut eyes
pray, thou sullen, sorry prey
stick, like a yellow note,
like a lick on your cheek,
like a wish for a lash
that hits you on the bum,
that hits you when you sway.
never surrender, never give in
the preacher does preach
and the doer does none
the people just watch,
pretend to heed such words
yet flee so silently, so sickly, so meekly…
never falter, nor fail
never say never
or say anything at all.
drink one for the guilt-ridden,
here’s to the sinners
cheers, all ye who dare breathe
and risk it all.

Thursday Poets Rally Week 62 Entry

hannah — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 16:29:54 +0000

It’s a little past 9:30 AM. I was only seven minutes late to work today. The bosses, only thirty minutes late. It’s President’s Day and I’m sitting here, reminiscing of the days when I used to work for companies that gave us the day off. Hell, even our Canadian partners have the day off. It has gotten out of hand and I need to act quickly. It’s time to go and there’s no point prolonging the agony when, although, I am here physically, I really have long been gone.

Same goes with “relationships.” I am no player, no matter how my friends say I am. I just…get bored by people. I have no patience for flaws. Yes, I know, I speak as though I have none. I have zero tolerance for pet peeves. Yes, I speak as though I am just realizing now. But it is how it is. And I have long understood this about myself. I like everybody until I get to know them. And those who I actually like after getting to know them, ends up not liking me after they got to know me. It’s the vicious irony.

So here’s a line from last night’s episode of Once Upon a Time:

“True love isn’t easy, but it must be fought for. Because once you find it, it can never be replaced.”

And now I have chills running down my spine.

For K

hannah — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 16:07:13 +0000

Take a deep breath and remember that life is too short to worry about things that may or may no longer be around in the next minute. Stress is temporary but your essence is eternal. Do not let the former defeat the latter.

shoes

hannah — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 05:02:45 +0000

these shoes walked a mile and ran down a block,
past canvass stolen from a tree trunk tied to a truck.
i saw fields of grey and skies that bleed;
cows that milked on grease and fast food debts;
my mind swirled as the canopy fell
and all that’s left is a pond full of fish
that flew at the sight of you.
these shoes walked another mile
and ran two more blocks,
made a turn and came right back to home,
where the seas were green
and the clouds had rain.
i paused and stared,
for the birds sang with words
and the branches swayed,
like a song had played,
a song stirred in a cup of woes and wees,
of lovers and quarrels,
and a midnight sun that shone like none.
these shoes had a path
and i strayed with my wrath,
a spear piercing through the heart
and an eye paying for an eye.
the tales continue to weave
and the shoes continue to leave;
they carry me like the wind
and i glide with my dreams.

x

hannah — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 04:52:19 +0000

you know that moment when you are left speechless? because there’s nothing left to say, because everything’s already been said, and there’s nothing left to do, because there isn’t anything to be done that would make a difference anyway. that moment when you just kind of stand there, a blank expression on your face, and you just…be.

k and i have been talking every single day since she first texted me. the girl has grown. the other day, she said something so understated and yet so profound. “if you’re still writing about the person, then you’re not over that person” she said. i don’t talk about x as much as i used to. this is another observation from another friend of mine, but i still write about her. and i think about her, everyday still. and yet i know im over x. completely. utterly. sometimes, it’s almost like it was just a dream and now im awake. it’s nothing more than a vague recollection of something that may or may not have happened. something i may not be sure about but i am, because otherwise, i wouldn’t have these reflections. i wouldn’t be where i am now, if not for those five years with x.

in one of our last conversations, x told me how i made her question God and herself. she told me how i drove her over the edge and how she almost died on numerous occasions because of me. and i sat there, with the phone to my ear, feeling so horribly about myself because…how could anybody cause another person to self-destruct like that? clearly, i was the evil incarnate.

six months ago, i set on the same path. the self-destructive path. no, i didn’t almost die and i didn’t hate on God. or x, for that matter. but i hated myself. for not fighting for x; for not trying hard enough to win her back; for telling her to leave in the first place. but i only self-destruct for a brief period and then i recuperate and heal myself. but it became a long stretch, because each time i felt myself bouncing back, x would reach out from her so-called relationship at that time and i fell right back on square one. by the time her so-called relationship dissipated into shards of pathetic little pieces, i have progressed from the first stage of grief to the third and then the fifth and then, back again to third.

in the end, i still would not be with x. and in the end, i was still the bad guy. i was reading our last texts yesterday. i had one that said, “im sorry i am the way i am.” that was only a month ago. x has told me over and over again, that she shouldn’t have to apologize for who she is. and looking back, i gag. because neither should i.

x was, and still is, by far, the best person i know or have ever known. the kindest, most generous, loving soul i’ll probably ever meet. but i have learned from her everything i need to learn from her. and for the most part, she’s also drained everything she can from me. i appreciate all that she has been to me and i will forever hold her high up on a pedestal amongst my numerous stars; but she has ceased to be my moon and if that means i also must be plucked from her skies, then so be it.

it’s february. and this is the last time im writing about x.

“steady passion” -mikki antonio

hannah — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:12:49 +0000

once upon a time, we were all children. once upon a time, we were all in between child and grown-up. please play clip below; written and spoken by my sister, mikki antonio.

so. what do you want to be when you grow up?

When God Texted Me

hannah — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 03:22:28 +0000

in translation:

textmsg: Hi Hannah. How have you been?

me: mmm…been okay. who is this? lol

txtmsg: It depends. Who do you want to text you?

me: God

me: lmao

turns out it wasn’t God. it was an old friend from an old time. so old, the last time i talked to her was almost five years ago. we had a friendship that was built around youthful dreams of adventure and never-ending talks of a future we didn’t yet see then. it was also a friendship that while it seemed sincere enough, was also short-lived and inevitably painful in the end. i’ve written a great number of poems for that friendship. i’ve cried great many tears for having have lost that friendship. and i’ve prayed great many prayers to have that friendship back. and then, somewhere along the way, i just accepted that i have completely lost that part of me. i have let go and have moved on.

and then came this text.

i knew almost immediately. i’m not stupid. i looked up the area code and narrowed down the potential culprits. who else do i know from chicago? it was mind-blowing and somewhat mind-boggling. why? why now? all she said was that she heard i was coming to chicago in march. and that she was sad. so there it was. no, it wasn’t like she missed my sparkling personality or my oh-so-fun company. no, she was sad. and also because she realized that strangers will come in and out of lives and that they will hurt us and then leave us. to put it blandly, she said there’s a wealth of other people out there who can and will cause us pain, friends shouldnt be one of them.

for a brief moment, i halted my brain and let the question rise, “are we still even friends?” five years is a long time. and yet there i was, texting with k, like we never stopped talking at all.

that was january 24th, 2012, when God texted me and told me He answers prayers, in His own time.

blog while you’re inebriated

hannah — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 04:49:17 +0000

new york city is covered in snow and somewhere, far from this city, someone thinks my heart is also covered in ice. time flies and no matter how we make ourselves believe that time just is and that it does not move or race with us or leave us behind, it does not change the fact that we would feel that time has left and we are left, stationary, motionless, stuck in the same spot, with the same issues and the same feelings we had some five years ago. time does not move. people do. and sometimes, we move too fast for our own good. or for our own defeat. in the end, it’s all a matter of acceptance.

molly said she was done and she left. harriet left too. she thought she was not one to be left behind and so, as soon as molly hopped on that great white carriage, pulled by that great white horse, sitting next to that great white muse, harriet went the opposite direction. she hopped on a great black horse with no carriage and no saddle and she rode off.

the snow came and molly decided to come back but harriet has gone and there was no way she would let molly trick her again because molly loved her only after the great white muse has left. and harriet would never come back ever again. because even though new york city is covered in snow, her heart had started to beat again and molly had melted right along with it.

moonlit night

hannah — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 06:12:35 +0000

“…’when i miss her, i should look at the moon, because she’ll be looking at it too…”

- Carlitos, La Misma Luna

i keep seeing signs these days. the stars, the moon… maybe they’re not really signs, maybe i’m just more sensitive to them these past few days because of the last conversation i’ve had involving those heavenly bodies. sometimes, i pause and i ask myself, “did i really just lose the moon while counting the stars?” and then i stop and tell myself that i am the sun that casts light to that moon. that moon never had to lift a finger because it is perfect even in its imperfections, as long as i cast my light on it. and i am the same sun that casts light on those stars. the stars that twinkle as i shed some light on them. the stars that shine because i allow them to.

but i love them not; because i love the moon the most.

“We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms… The fact that we can’t speak to them or know what’s going on in that other carriage is completely irrelevant. They are there.“

- Aleph, Coelho

the moon is there. even when the sun’s rays no longer reaches it.

time tracks

hannah — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 19:00:00 +0000

ever wonder why the night sometimes seems longer than the day? why at times, it takes forever for the sun to rise and yet so quick for the afternoon to wane and the sun to once again fade? in wakefulness, we race against time and rarely do we ever win. time heals all wounds, but ticktock, time runs quick and fast — too fast sometimes, it’s gone before a cut could fully mend. in dreams, however, we float in time and time defeats itself.

but what is Time, apart from a line that has already been drawn? we merely walk in its gardens and we decide which flowers to pick and which weeds to cut.

in the book Aleph, Paulo Coelho wrote,

“Past and future exist only in our memory. The Present moment, though, is outside of time, it’s Eternity… It isn’t what you did in the past that will affect the present. It’s what you do in the present that will redeem the past and thereby change the future.”

what occurred already has and what is yet to happen will happen only and precisely because of the actions set forth in the present. ticktock, before time heals one wound, it requires certain acts to be done in the present, for time does not truly run–time is not in the race; it is the track.

when the day slips into the night too quick, and the night stretches far longer after dreams have been dreamt, know that time does not cheat — the track always seem longer when you start to cramp and you run with a limp.